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More often than not, I found myself struggling to force laughter while watching “Mad Heidi,” a lazy, one-note, crowd funded film from co-directors Johannes Hartmann and Sandro Klopfstein. Billed as a Swissploitation action/horror comedy, I wanted so badly for this movie to be funny, but it just isn’t. Here’s a case where the premise is far better than the finished product, which turns out to be an unfortunate example of what happens when a movie is simply trying too hard to be clever (and fails). Set in a dystopian Switzerland, Heidi (Alice Lucy) and her grandfather live a simple life in the Alps. Their beautiful country has fallen under the fascist rule of an evil cheese tyrant, Our Very Swiss Leader (Casper Van Dien), a ruthless dictator who wants to rule the world through dairy domination. When Heidi’s goat-herding boyfriend (Kel Matsena) is brutally murdered by the government for distributing illegal cheese, she sets out on a revenge tour to find vengeance for her lover. Along the way, she’ll have to fight against super soldiers, prison inmates, ninja nuns, deathly henchmen, and face other outlandish obstacles as she fights to restore freedom to her country. It sounds like a hilarious premise for a midnight movie, and it is. The problem is that this action-adventure story is far too weird, campy, and dumb — and not in a good way. There’s not enough material for a feature length movie (the main concept pitch was probably something like “hey, let’s see all the crazy things we can do with cheese, like torturing people with fondue”), which makes the whole thing reek of desperation. There are lame homages to everything from Tarantino films to exploitation flicks from the 70s and 80s, and none of it works. There are shades of “Sisu” and “Kill Bill,” but with dreadfully unfunny running cheese jokes. The sense of humor is lacking, and I found very little funny about this film. It’s not goofy enough nor quick-witted enough to stand out, and the quartet of writers (Klopfstein and Hartmann, along with Gregory D. Widmer and Trent Haaga) crafted a screenplay that feels disjointed. The writing and dialogue is, and I won’t mince words because there’s no point in doing so, absolutely dreadful. The retro look and feel of the film finds mild success, as do the practical gore effects. It’s bloody and violent with creative kills, but audiences are forced to sit through a painfully slow and plodding first half before the good stuff (aka the revenge-fueled ass kicking) starts. This is a movie you’ll never want to watch again, which means it has little chance of ever becoming the cult classic is so desperately wants to be. Movies need to start with a solid foundation and go from there, but “Mad Heidi” seems to work backwards by building its thin story around a final punchline. As a result, this second-rate film feels like nothing more than an unfunny, fatigued gimmick.
The explorer craft USS Palomino is returning to Earth after a fruitless 18-month search for extra-terrestrial life when the crew comes upon a supposedly lost ship, the USS Cygnus, hovering near a black hole. The ship is controlled by Dr. Hans Reinhardt and his monstrous robot companion, but the initial wonderment and awe the Palomino crew feel for the ship and its resistance to the power of the black hole turn to horror as they uncover Reinhardt's plans.
A lonely telephone operator leading an empty, amoral life finds God – only to have her faith continually tested in ways beyond what she could have imagined.
The inhabitants of the British Isles have lost their battle against the onslaught of disease, as the deadly rage virus has killed every citizen there. Six months later, a group of Americans dare to set foot on the Isles, convinced the danger has passed. But it soon becomes all too clear that the scourge continues to live, waiting to pounce on its next victims.
When a virus leaks from a top-secret facility, turning all resident researchers into ravenous zombies and their lab animals into mutated hounds from hell, the government sends in an elite military task force to contain the outbreak.
As the city is locked down under quarantine, Alice finds out that the people that died from the previous incident at the Umbrella Corporation have turned into zombies. She then joins a small band of elite soldiers, who are enlisted to rescue the missing daughter of the creator of the mutating T-virus. Once lack of luck and resources happen, they begin to wage an exhilarating battle to survive and escape before the Umbrella Corporation erases its experiment from the face of the earth.
Teenage London is trying to find meaning in the world, or a leather jacket of her own. Unaccepted by neither the Mods or the Asian biker gang, she tries to find her own path. Meanwhile, the two gangs maintain a mutual vendetta sure to erupt in a smorgasbord of violence.
Two opposite sisters hit rock bottom and find themselves together to try to rebuild their lives. When the only solace is their mother's chocolate cake, they decide to create a chocolate cake that will make you lose weight
Quirky and rebellious April Burns lives with her boyfriend in a low-rent New York City apartment miles away from her emotionally distant family. But when she discovers that her mother has a fatal form of breast cancer, she invites the clan to her place for Thanksgiving. While her father struggles to drive her family into the city, April - an inexperienced cook - runs into kitchen trouble and must ask a neighbor for help.
The winner of the Miss World Virginity contest marries, escapes from her masochistic husband and ends up involved in a world of debauchery.
A young boy wins a tour through the most magnificent chocolate factory in the world, led by the world's most unusual candy maker.
Vampire housemates try to cope with the complexities of modern life and show a newly turned hipster some of the perks of being undead.